


Phantom Sleep

by Starchaic



Category: Persona 5
Genre: (I have a lot of feelings about Ren's biological parents and the whole pre-game situation okay), (I hc that he only knows a bit of sign anyhow), (its only mentioned a bit since Ren is gonna primarily communicate via writing), Flashbacks, Gen, Healing, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicidal Thoughts, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, JSL - freeform, Nightmares, Nonverbal Communication, Panic Attacks, depressive episodes, dissociation - freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-02
Updated: 2019-09-02
Packaged: 2020-10-05 07:30:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20485151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starchaic/pseuds/Starchaic
Summary: Ren Amamiya doesn't like remembering his life before the Phantom Thief Troupe. But suddenly, after helping Yusuke out of his abusive relationship with Madarame, it's seemingly all he can think about.For better or for worse.





	Phantom Sleep

**Author's Note:**

> Alright I'm gonna be to the point with this- I haven't finished a playthrough/watchthrough of either the P5 anime OR the game yet, so !!! Im sorry if any of this is nonsensical skhafvashkf I started writing this like 2 months ago and am just now updating it, so pardon any roughness TwT

Ren was drowning. Or at least that’s what it felt like.

There was a deep, black, empty void around him. It was just close enough to touch and burn his skin- the splattering of black smudged across his hands and cheeks made him think it was somehow also liquid.

It smelled like alcohol and paint, and stung his eyes and nostrils terribly.

He was drowning.

He couldn’t see the rest of the Phantom Thieves. He somehow knew they were supposed to be here, though- which confused him, considering he couldn’t remember where _here_ was.

They might be hurt, or maybe they were drowning, too.

He couldn’t even save them. He couldn’t save _anyone_.

He couldn’t even save himself.

He was glad they were probably safe, at least. If they weren’t in the black nothing with him, they were probably out somewhere unharmed- together.

He wishes he could be there.

But he’s alone.

The blackness closes in, first covering his hands and feet, and soon enveloping all four of his limbs

And it _burns_.

He’s choking now, the air in his lungs drying up as the rest of his body is covered in the steaming, burning liquid.

He was going to die.

Maybe he deserved it.

Something hot and sticky poured down his face-

* * *

Ren shot forwards, and all he could see momentarily was darkness.

His throat was still tight, choking around the air stuck inside it.

Someone was yelling- he could hear it distantly, like an echo from somewhere else in the neighborhood.

Just as distantly, he realizes that he’s crying.

And with a pop, his mind shifted back into place. 

_Oh. I’m the one yelling._

His jaw was forced shut, biting hard on the inside of his cheeks with seemingly no actual care. Ren was breathing again- hard and labored, but still breathing.

Something latched on to his arm, and he yanked it back forcefully.

_Please no please no please no-_

He had to stifle the urge to strike back; to throw himself at whatever had grabbed him and force them to stand down.

He flinched.

Staring back at him in the darkness was Yūsuke- eyes wide and mouth pinned into a sharp frown. Ren thinks he looks better smiling. He hates whatever’s made him upset.

And then a thought crosses his panic-filled mind.

_Oh. That’s probably me._

Slowly, Ren lowers his stiff arms from the defensive position they had been in. He also soon realizes that he had been aggressively gripping Yūsuke‘s hand. He lets go.

Yūsuke simply sits there, holding the offended hand carefully with his other digits. Ren’s mind suddenly screeches to a halt.

_Oh god- I probably hurt him. Please no I didn’t want to hurt him I’m-_

His hands quickly spelled out the familiar sign. He repeated it again and again, despite not bothering to remember if Yūsuke actually knew sign in the first place.

_I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m-_

Yūsuke was saying something, but Ren could barely hear it over the blood rushing through his ears.

“-en! Ren, calm down.”

Yūsuke looked even more worried than before, and that’s when Ren realized he wasn’t actually breathing any more.

He took several long, laborious breaths. His throat was hot and tight- probably from the tears still staining his cheeks.

Everything slowly shifted back to a manageable pace. His heart pounded in his chest, and though his entire body was shaking, he wasn’t rigid and _burning_ any more.

Yūsuke was still staring at him from the darkness, but he didn’t make another move to grab Ren.

He couldn’t decide whether or not he was thankful for that.  


* * *

  


That day was long and quiet.

It was mostly quiet due to Ren’s refusal to speak- but Ryuji didn’t want to pry just yet. As soon as him and Yūsuke had walked up to the school together, the latter boy had sent a warning glance everyone’s way.

Morgana was strangely silent about the manner, too.

He wasn’t the only one who noticed.

Ann kept sending glances Ryuji’s way throughout the day. Though they confused him at first, he’s pretty sure he finally deciphered it- she was worried about Ren, who still hadn’t spoken to anyone. At all.

Lunch came around, and everything continued to be eerily quiet. They went to the corner near the vending machines like usual, but that suffocating silence followed. Morgana was chattering away now- but it was all nonsense, simple stuff. They were probably just trying to fill the gap for Ren’s sake. 

Ryuji’s guts knotted.

“Are we not gonna talk about the big damn elephant in the room?”

Morgana paused their rambling, seemingly taken aback by his sudden outburst. Ann looked less surprised, and Yūsuke simply sent a sad look towards the floor.

Ren wasn’t looking at him. Ryuji isn’t sure he was looking at anything, honestly. His gaze was scarily blank, and he had big, blocky headphones covering his ears.

“Fine then, I guess I’ll be the first to speak-“

“Ryuji, of course I’m worried, too.” Ann spoke up. Something about her features was softer; more sad and distant.

Morgana simply sighed, and kneaded the bench they were sitting on restlessly. “He’s been like this since last night... I mean...” They stopped lamely.

“I’m sorry, I just- _god_, Yūsuke, did something happen?”

Yūsuke frowned slightly at that, and Ryuji’s heart clenched.

“He.. Ren woke up screaming last night. He was crying. I don’t know if it was just a nightmare- but... he’s been silent since.”

That...

That’s... weird.

_Well, shit._

Ryuji stood up, and slowly crossed the gap between Ren and the rest of them. Ren didn’t seem to notice at first, but his eyes suddenly blew wide in recognition a few moments later. He took off the headphones guarding his ears.

“Ren. What’s up with you, dude?”

Ryuji was still standing high above the seated boy, but he was trying his best not to seem intimidating.

Ren still didn’t say anything. His eyes crinkled at the corners in... some sort of emotion. Ryuji really isn’t great at reading faces.

And suddenly, Ren was digging through the bag beside him, parsing through the different school supplies located inside.

He stopped, and pulled out a pen and a small notepad. After taking a moment to scribble something inside, he tore off the page and handed it to Ryuji silently.

In big, sharp lettering the words ‘I’m sorry to be a nuisance. I have to leave.’ were written.

Ryuji gawked at the paper for a moment, before Ren began sliding closed the bag and standing up.

He quickly left. Ryuji stood there dumbly, before turning to the other three present.

Ann looked _pissed._

“Really- ‘what’s up with you’? You couldn’t think of _anything_ better to say!?” 

She crossed her arms angrily, while Yūsuke simply turned his gaze away from the other two.

Morgana meowed discouragingly. “I’m with Lady Ann on this one- that wasn’t very eloquent, Ryuji.”

Ryuji stamped his foot in response, but also rubbed the back of his neck in defeat. They had a point... considering Ren had literally run off on him

“Damnit. Should I go after him?”

“Well...” Morgana pondered, before letting out a sigh that sounded strangely like a meow, “considering he still isn’t talking, and that he said he had to leave... I’d just let him be for now.”

At the upset looks on everyone’s faces, they added on, “but-uh- I don’t like it either- Nya.”

Each of them let out another small sigh in return, and Ryuji slunk back into his seat.

They could wait and see. Maybe Morgana could sneak off and check on him later, too...  


* * *

Ren couldn’t think.

Everything was at an unbearable pace- it was either too slow or too fast, and the only thing keeping him from breaking down crying was the constant thrum of music in his ears. 

I mean, he nearly ran into someone multiple times now due to the lack of sound, but he’d take that over the alternative any day.

He was fine.

He’d be fine.

He was at the top of the stairs to the roof now, and he gently took off the headphones.

The sights and sounds of the city around him overwhelmed his senses. 

He quickly slipped them back on.

_This is fine._

Everything was muddled and heavy. His feet dragged across the cracked concrete of the rooftop, all the way until he crashed into the old, rusted-out seat closest to the center.

A long while was spent staring into the middle distance.

He’s not sure how long had passed, he doesn’t even remember hearing the bell- but when he next looked up, the sky was a half shade darker.

_Oh god- how long was I..._

A gentle ‘mrrow’ near his feet caught his attention, and he suddenly realized his headphones weren’t even on his head any more. 

Morgana looked up at him. They looked... worried.

“Ren, classes ended about twenty minutes ago- we should go home.”

His throat tightened in that moment, so he simply nodded in return.  


They looked disappointed at that.


End file.
